two little remnants of my lunchtime trip to the grocery

1. Open letter to the sandwich woman at the Dominick's Fresh Store deli department:

Dear Dipwad,

I have personally seen you making sandwiches behind that counter for the better part of a year. Your menu consists of six (SIX) sandwiches, each with a fixed set of ingredients.

Could you then please explain to me why it takes you nearly FIFTEEN MINUTES when there are no other customers at the counter for you to attend to, to assemble a simple sandwich, even with the laminated ingredient card right in front of your face? I would also like for your manager to explain why he never takes it upon himself to work with you to resolve your incredible slowness and instead spends much of my waiting time pouring himself soft drinks and avoiding all eye contact?

Thank you,
An impatient customer


2. Keebler Elves Screw Girl Scouts

Emulating the classic business formula of their underpants-thieving gnome cousins, the Keebler Elves revealed their most recent marketing plan to the cookie-buying world.

1. Girl Scout Cookies
2.
3. Profit

"The bastards are selling the best-selling varieties of Girl Scout Cookies under their own label and making them available year-round," one customer noted while strolling down the cookie aisle in a suburb of Chicago. "Are those elvish fuckers intentionally trying to bankrupt the goddamn Girl Scouts?"