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Smarting over his unrequited love for James Potter.

Snape didn't hate James because he secretly wanted him and was spurned; he hated James because James was a spoiled, privileged bully.  He hated James not because his heart twisted with unfulfilled desire at every agonizing look at his beloved; he hated James because James was handsome, well liked, and got away with everything, while Severus was ugly, greasy, and unloved by even his own father.

James was the wealthy pureblood golden boy; heralded house team Seeker, protected by the Headmaster, Big Man on Campus.

Severus was a slimy half-blood Slytherin; lower-middle class, unkempt, bookish and sour.

It wasn't thwarted passion that stoked the fire of Snape's antipathy, it was resentment.

Really, enough already with the Snape-loving-James thing.

 

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Willing to marry Harry Potter, for any reason.

If you think this one requires an explanation, you need to put down the Monkey!Crack Snarry now and back away.  Just back away.

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Already in love with Hermione Granger.

As much as I adore a well-written adult Snape/Hermione story, it is simply lunacy to start the story with the assumption that Snape has secretly harbored a deep attraction and respect for Hermione throughout her school years, which he must never, ever reveal.

Aside from Hermione's lack of scintillating sexual attractiveness - she's a plain, bushy-haired teenager who Snape still thinks of as having buck teeth - she is also a nosy, insufferable know-it-all whom Snape has always openly berated for being irritating.

It makes absolutely no sense to put this man into a situation where he secretly loves one of the characters he has been abusing, while inflicting nearly constant vituperation at himself for having to maintain the nasty Death Eater cover, without which he would be free to lavish the love and doting attention his beloved has always rightly deserved.

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Dumbledore’s surrogate son.

That’s Harry’s job.  Snape simply wouldn’t allow the intimacy; he already had a crappy father, thanks.

 
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Lucius Malfoy’s/Lord Voldemort’s butt boy.

We don’t know if he’s straight or gay, and that hardly matters, really, as the Death Eaters inflict fear and death, not midnight Sekrit Club orgies or muggle-rape Bacchanalias.  I think it’s possible Voldemort hasn’t had a coherent thought about sex since his twenties.  He and Lucius (as his pale blueblood imitation) are all about magical superiority and utterly elitist power, not blood-spattered sodomy in a forest clearing or organized cognac-sipping BDSM at Malfoy Manor.

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Secretly kind.

Severus Snape may decide to do things that are good in the overall scope of life, but he is not a nice man.  Nor a kind one.  Nor a gentle, supportive or loving man.  He is brittle and resentful, a human puffer fish.  He is distrustful, suspicious, venomous, and utterly, utterly callous to the feelings of others.

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Gorgeous.

There might be, in some strange alternate reality, someone who considers a dour, greasy, beaky-nosed arsehole with yellow teeth, potion-stained fingers and a foul temper to be, perhaps sexy, but he is not gorgeous.  For anyone, particularly one of his previously-victimized students to “secretly” consider him gorgeous doesn’t just strain credulity, it obliterates it.

 

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Covered in a web of silvery scars.

Severus Snape is a sneaky, slippery man who manipulates at a distance.  I think it unlikely he would have come close enough to anything that perilous, given what we know about him.  We have not yet seen any evidence that Snape was severely scarred by:

  1. His nasty, nasty father
  2. His nasty, nasty classmates
  3. His nasty, nasty dark lord master

In fact, we’ve only seen Voldemort and his minions commit two horrible crimes: torture by crucio and the death curse, neither of which leave scars.

It’s all Byronic and tragically romantic to assume his forbidding robes hide a network of painful memories ripe for loving lavishing, but – er – no.

 

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August 2010

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